Vulnerable = Beautiful

Dear bug,

We’ve been having the best meetings and email messages with the best Tummy Mommy in the whole world. I am starting to get very excited about the idea that you are here, just waiting to be born.

Your Mama and I have been working on figuring out two very important things: food and poop. Yesterday I met the nicest lesbian couple who talked to me for a surprisingly long time about cloth pocket diapers. It seems everyone has an opinion and many mommies are extroverts. You have two introverted mommies (and I think an intoverted tummy mommy, too)…I hope that suits you, since I think you are going to be a Leo (RAWR) and Leos are not exactly known for being shy.

While it has been super exciting to get ready to welcome you into the world, it has been overwhelming, too. All this waiting and hoping. And now more waiting and planning. We want so much to know that you are ours, that we really really do get to be your mommies.

Mutti’s friends, especially Auntie Mellie and Auntie Tara, have been helping out a lot. Because while food and poop are super high on the list (as I’m sure you’ll agree), vulnerability is also important.

Last night while she was not working on the paper she was supposed to be writing because she was having emotions, Mutti saw the best TED talk. Brene Brown said that whole-hearted people believe that what makes them vulnerable makes them beautiful. (See below – the good stuff starts at 7:46).

That seems so true of babies, don’t you think? All that needing food and having poop is what will enable you and I become quick friends. I will be right there for you in those vulnerable places. You can count on me.

And I am vulnerable, too. Now for a mommy to be vulnerable might seem like a bad idea, like weakness or irresponsibility.

But here’s the thing, bug: we are, all of us who love you, very vulnerable. Mama is vulnerable because she knows how much it hurts to leave the hospital with her arms empty and her breasts full. Your Tummy Mommy is vulnerable because she has to make a huge decision that will affect the rest of your life and no one but her can make it. And your Mutti is vulnerable because she is changing her life to be able and present to parent you, not knowing if she will get the chance.

We are, all of us, so vulnerable because we care so deeply and love so much. While that is risky, it is also right. Loving this way is to open our whole hearts to joy, to be a wide meadow of wildflowers in the summer breeze. While I don’t know what will happen, I do know that this is how I want to live. I want to be all in, holding nothing back.

I’m all in, bug…for you. For me. For all of us who love you.

In wide wide wildflower love,
Mutti

Being Brave

Dear squeak,

We met the most amazing tummy mommy yesterday. We share a lot of the same values…spirituality and respect for all paths, family time as freedom from consumer culture, a love of food and wine and a vibrant, full-lived life. She blew us away with her candor, her love for the daughter she is carrying, and her willingness to connect with us.

This adoption journey sure is a crazy crazy ride, bug. Last night as we left the agency, your mommy Sadie said to me: you know, we might have just met our baby. Was that your tummy mommy, squeak? She is so awesome! Were you there, listening to us as we talked and laughed and grew quiet, feeling it out, waiting to see?

Yesterday morning I was so nervous before the meeting I couldn’t sit still. I paced so much I drove the Paw a little crazy. Then I sat and wrote, because writing is my mooring, my slip knot rope back to land and sanity. I wrote: “I am holding my breath. I have no intuition, no insight into what happens next…all I have is my nervousness, excitement and tender heart that hopes… and hopes… and hopes.”

I want to be brave. I want to hold my resilient heart out to this tummy mommy no matter what happens. Sometimes these little fears come like dark-winged birds and roost on my shoulders. It is scary to have so much hope. But I want to be brave.

Wherever you are, bug, I am being brave and waiting for you. My heart is full and my arms are open.

Even more love than ever before,

Mutti